6 months, 11 days and 13 hours since my last cigarette. £601.59 saved (according to my SmokeFree app). I sometimes have to remind myself of the mini wins. It is what gets me through the day. Especially a day in London.
Increasingly, over the last few years, I have struggled to find solace in my everyday life. After my recent trip to North Devon, I found myself crying on the train on the way to a client day. At the time I wasn’t sure why I was so upset but I quickly realised that it was down to one main factor: happiness.
Or more importantly, my lack of it.
My ultimate struggle has been trying to find happiness in everything that I do. I have fallen victim to the art of ‘escape’; to the false promise of a financially comfortable life; to the desperation of hopeless, no-future relationships; to the mercy that others will give me that emotional power that I need.
My therapy has come in many different forms. Sometimes in the remedy that alcohol is no longer the answer, always in the feeling of sweat falling down my face when I exercise. Sometimes in a simple hug; often in the feeling after a good night’s sleep; always in the sound of laughter shared with friends.
But what I have realised is that no one can enforce their therapy on you.
I came home to my parents’s house today to say goodbye to one of my family members – our dog and my healing buddy Beadie. I cried endlessly when I held her whimpering body on my lap, knowing that it was probably the last time it would happen. I thought back on all the times that I had been the one endlessly resting on her, relying on her, to comfort my tears. To take away my pain. All I wanted was to take away hers and I couldn’t. I’m so sorry my darling girl.
Therapy comes in different forms.
Find it. Embrace it. Appreciate it. Hold onto it.
2 thoughts on “Find Your Therapy”
Oh! Darling, I’m so sorry to read this. You are a fabulous fabulous girl, and admitting your vulnerability only makes you stronger. I’ll have a chat to you when I see you about my 20s, they were pretty dreadful!! Being full of insecurities and anxiety doesn’t even touch it! All my love darling Alice ❤️❤️❤️❤️😢😢😁
Keep going, gorgeous. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to be constantly happy, life is all ups and downs, both extremes put each other in context and it’s ok if things just suck now and then. Of course, it’s lovely when other people give you strength, but it’s even better when it comes from within. You rock! Keep going!