It has started happening again. Driving to an AirBnB and suddenly I felt like someone was standing on my chest and I couldn’t breathe. Everything went rather blank and I couldn’t hear a word. And then I ended up in hospital.
The last two months have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me. I used to always say that I was someone who never cried. And recently, I seem to be doing all of it. Two months ago someone I loved hurt me. And since then, the floodgates seem to have disappeared downstream. Maybe it was because I loved him that it hurt so much. Or perhaps it was because I let it happen.
Work has now become quiet. I now have the chance to start a routine again. I have found a house that is actually mine. Actually home. I now have the chance to start exercising; waking up at the same time; taking my new roads everyday. Seeing my friends.
But it is the sudden change in life, as I have known it for the last six months, which is the hardest thing I am tackling now. I can’t spend time on my own without this constant creeping of anxiety catching up with me. My body won’t allow me to sleep. Everything hurts. I cry at any given second. I can’t make decisions. I feel ill all the time. It’s an all-body consuming fatigue that I cannot shake.
All I seem to do is hurt the people that matter the most. And not intentionally. Someone once told me that you can only make someone else happy if you are entirely happy with you. So I am really hoping to find that. That missing happiness. That missing, endless stream of joy.